Born Again Athlete

This morning, when I was at the gym taking a group class, the instructor said something really cool.

"Everyone is on a personal fitness journey.  Maybe today, you're just trying to get through this class.  Maybe you're past that, and today you're trying to SLAM this class."

She doesn't care which one it is... she's just glad we're there.

Two years ago, I wouldn't have gone this morning.  Two years ago, I wasn't even a member of a gym.  Two years ago, I was proud of myself for walking a couple of times a week around my neighborhood, pushing a stroller.  Two years ago, I was still working on fixing what was broken inside, so I could be happy with the outside.  Today was my 5th workout this week.  Today, even though I'm tired, and the kids are already frazzled with Christmas glee, and I have a million other things I could have done, I did not do what I would have done two years ago.  Today, I got my ass in gear, got the kids up and ready, fed everyone, made my son's lunch, got him out the door to school - with his trombone! - packed myself and my daughter up, and went to the gym for my hardest class of the week.  Why?  Because today, I'm a different person.  My innards have morphed right along with my outtards.

My journey isn't over.  I've learned that it probably never will be.  I will constantly fight an inner battle with my relationship with food.  But here's the thing: two years later, I've won the war.  I got this.  There will still be skirmishes.  There will still be days where food wins, and that's even okay.  But I will never again be obese.  Because it's not who I am anymore.

Some of the stuff I've learned on this crazy journey:
1.  On day one, you are always ready and raring to go.
2.  On day five, you think you'll never make it.
3.  You will.  Just don't stop.
4.  On day 365, you know you'll make it.
5.  If you don't fix the inside, you will never love the outside, no matter how much you loose.
6.  Yes, spending an hour or two in the gym (or wherever) everyday is absolutely worth the time you spend away from your kids. They would rather have a healthy, fit, happy parent who plays with them, instead of an unhealthy, unhappy, cranky and out-of-shape parent who is physically present but never gets down and dirty with them.
7.  Don't diet. They don't work.
8.  Do find the nutrition/exercise combo that works for you.  I did not loose 80 pounds with tricks.  I worked my butt off.
9.  Don't listen to the critics.  They're everywhere.  I got criticized for being heavy, and I get criticized for being thin.
10.  Once you've retrained it, listen to your body.  After a while, it knows what it's doing better than you do.
11.  Don't beat yourself up for having the occasional crappy meal.  Or doughnut.  Or burger.  Or mac-n-cheese.  Or even half a box of Munchkins (yes, I did that.  Yesterday, actually.  And, seriously...  my body hates me today.  But... yum).  It happens.  Just don't let it happen all the time.
12.  Learn to love food again.  Food is good, and it's meant to be enjoyed.
13.  You have to do it for you.  Until you're ready to do it for yourself, it won't work.
14.  You do have the time.  Get up earlier, go to bed later, just do it.  The time is there, if you want to find it.
15.  Believe.  You can do this.  I know you can.

My Friend's Angels

Loss is a part of life.  We loose little things all the time - our keys, cell phones, favorite pair of jeans... but these things are all replaceable.  Our loved ones, when we loose them, are not.  My most painful loss is that of my Nana.  She helped raise me.  She was 92 when she passed 5 years ago, and it still hurts.  But there are losses that we, as spouses and parents, can't bear thinking about.  If I lost my husband, I don't know how I would continue to function.  If I lost a child...  one of my precious babies... well, I just can't even go there.  But I have to.  I have to, just for a second, try to imagine it.  Why would I do that, you ask?  Because I know people, friends, who have lost their babies.  Some to miscarriage, some to still birth, some to tragedy.  And they, without exception, are forever changed.

I haven't had a miscarriage.  I haven't had a still birth.  I haven't lost a child to a fire, a car accident, a drowning, or any other horrible tragedy.  And I can try - so can you - to imagine it, what it feels like, what those parents must go through... but I can't.  I know I won't even come close.  So why bother?  Because I have to remember that as much as I might want to ignore it, to pretend none of that can ever happen, it does.  And my ignoring it does not help my friends.  Talking about it, about the angles taken too soon, about what happened, even...  those are the things that help.  How do I know this?  My friends have told me.  They've told me the best thing we, as supporters, can do is to talk, to remember, to be a shoulder, to listen, to hug... and if we need to shy away, that's ok - they wish they could ignore it, too.  They understand.  But they need people who won't.  They need people who will, on some days, hunker down in the trenches with them as much as they need us to haul them out on others.  Is it hard?  Is it heart-wrenching?  Of course it is.  But what I, as someone who's never gone through the loss of a child, will feel absolutely pales in comparison.

Why am I writing this today?  It seems like there have been a lot of babies leaving us lately...  I attended the funeral of a playmate of my 2 year old daughter recently.  She was only 3 weeks older than Casey.  Just a few days ago, I heard of a 3 year old who was lost.  A local family lost 2 young daughters to a house fire.  Newtown.  And these families, and the countless others like them, need us to support them correctly, and not to just ignore it.  Don't just ignore and offer painful platitudes... help by facing the pain with them.  From what I'm told, it helps more than we can know.

One of my amazing survivor friends told another recent survivor to ignore everyone that kept telling her to "just take one day at a time".  She said that one whole, long, excruciating day was too overwhelming.  She should take one minute at a time, one breath.  That can be handled.  And you just take it from there.  If that doesn't help with our understanding, I don't know what will.

Take a look at this Still Standing Magazine... let these wonderful people help you help others.  Please...  do not ignore or push aside the loss of a baby, whether they were born or unborn when they got their wings.

And then...  go see Return to Zero when it's released.  You will help so many families by breaking the silence.

Frustrations, Plateaus and Other Fun Stuff

I don't like 2013.  I know we're only 3 months in, and it's certainly possible that 2013 will redeem itself, but I'm not holding out much hope.  Less than 2 weeks in, I had a minor fender bender in my brand new, 4 month old, Honda Pilot.  My husband insists that once it was washed, you can't even tell.  There are some scratches, and the wheel well is pushed out ever so slightly.  I can tell.  It pisses me off every time I see it.  Because the stoopid accident was my fault.  Haven't had an accident for over 10 years, and I swipe a guy at 11pm on a Saturday night in downtown Baltimore.  While wearing a formal dress.  Great.

Our shower is broken.  The base has a nifty crack in it that started leaking into my son's closet.  You know how I know?  I found mold growing on the ceiling in there when I was putting away some blankets from a sleepover he had.  We can't use my shower until it gets fixed.  Which was supposed to happen 2 days ago, but since the part has to be special ordered, I have to wait another 2 weeks.  Oh, and did I mention that the money to fix this particular debacle comes from the money I was going to use to buy my new, professional grade camera?  That I have been waiting for and drooling over forever?  Yeah.

My husband changed jobs (that's actually good).  We found out after he started that his new insurance wouldn't kick in for almost 2 months.  And when the Cobra letter came in the mail, it was more than our mortgage to get the patch insurance.  Nobody get sick until April 1st, people!!

I've had to deal with an unacceptable level of drama in an organization I volunteer for.  A reminder of why I, at times, really dislike being only one of the people in charge, as opposed to the person in charge.  When you're the person in charge, you can tell everyone else to take a long walk off a short pier, and do what you think is right.  Sometimes, it's just better that way.

Since March 17th, 2012, I've lost 54 pounds.  I've gone from a size 14 to a size 8.  And I'm stuck.  Been stuck, and fluctuating inside the same 3 pounds for six. weeks.  When I'm at the bottom of that 3 pounds, I only have about 10 pounds to go to hit my goal.  Ten pounds!!  I've lost almost 55 pounds, how come I can't drop the last 10?!  Grrrrr.

Most recently, my son started his Little League season.  His first year in kid pitch, yay!  And he winds up with what, by all appearances, is an amazing Coach.  After the first practice, I was thrilled.  Until we got the email that he's moving his child down to machine pitch - for perfectly good reasons, and I respect that - and won't be the Coach.  Less than one week of practice, 2 weeks until opening day, and he's on his second Coach.  Woo. Hoo.

But, here's the thing...  If you know me, you know I'm a pretty positive person.  I'm simply wired that way.  So, with all the stuff that's happened in this thus far short year, I'm still managing to see the silver lining - thank GOD.  Otherwise, I might have already stuck a fork in my eye.  Repeatedly.  That fender bender?  It really was minor, and no one was hurt.  It's just a car.  A fabulous, amazing, well-worth-the-long-wait-for-it car, but still just a material thing.  And the kids were not with us for the experience.  And the insurance company rocked it.

The mold in my son's ceiling?  Nothing but ordinary, run-of-the-mill, non-toxic water mold.  And not much of it.  A simple removal and replacement of the offending affected drywall, and it's fixed.  The shower?  After some whopping estimates that ranged from a staggering $5,500 (do NOT use Sears home renovation services!  Everything from the guy that came out to the overpriced products stunk.) to a more reasonable $2,000, we found a highly recommended independent construction guy who'll do it for $800.  More silver lining on that one?  That means I can get my camera!!

The insurance?  No one's gotten sick (I'm currently knocking on wood).  And, even dealing with that hassle, my husband went from a 90 minute commute - each way - to a 5 minute one.  He's home more. He's less tired.  He's less stressed (so far).  Let's hope this keeps up, because it's worth every uninsured-for-almost-2-months minute.

The volunteer thing?  It's worked itself out.  With the help of an amazing mentoring organization.  And some good friends with clear perspective.

My weight?  Well, I got on the scale this morning (weigh in day!), and I've lost 2.5 more pounds.  I'm up to almost 57 pounds lost and 8 pounds to my goal weight.  Plateau OVER!

Little League?  I still haven't met the new Coach, but he seems ok.  And there are some pretty good kids on my son's team.  My son loves baseball, and that's all that really matters.

There are good things that have happened in 2013.  My daughter, who just turned 2 in December, has suddenly jumped to forming "real" sentences with inflection and everything.  Like, "Now can I watch Mickey, Mommy?"  Or, "Can you make me some mac and cheese, pleeeeeeeeease?"  And the daily, "Mommy, can we go get Connor now?  He's at school."  She amazes me.

My son is excelling in school.  He's advancing in his Tae Kwon Do training - he'll be a Green Belt soon.  He's active and healthy and an absolute trip.  He amazes me, too.

I have the best husband ever.  Seriously, ever.  I would list why, but the list would be so sappy and sentimental that it might make you throw up in your mouth a little, and I wouldn't want to do that to you.

After a lot of years feeling like my close friends were achingly far away, I have found a set of amazing and wonderful women who are finally making me feel like I'm home.

Huh.  Look at that.  Maybe there is some redemption in 2013, after all.