Why are fear and excitement so closely intertwined? It's as if, for certain things in life, we have to be afraid in order find it exciting. Like there won't be an adrenaline rush in the absence of fear. I love roller coasters. I am scared every. single. time. I ride one. Until we take the first big drop, then I'm just getting bugs in my teeth from smiling so hard. And, I know this. I know I have nothing to be afraid of, but it's still there.
As I get older, I find myself fearing different things. When I was little, I was afraid of the bear in the attic. Yes, I wholeheartedly believed there was a bear in my attic. And my evil mom and step-father fostered that belief on every sleepover party I had. But that's a post for another day. I was afraid of getting lost. I was afraid of falling overboard while we were under sail. Kid things. Things that were a big deal then, but seem almost silly now. As an adult, my fears are different. Bigger and badder. Something happening to my kids. To my husband. Given the track record of my past year, loosing more loved ones ranks pretty damn high on my list of "grown-up" fears. Change.
Most people that know me well would be surprised that "change" makes my short list. But change is something almost everyone fears on some level, even if they don't like to admit it. We get comfortable. We like our lives, our personal routines. Even those of us that live what seems like a fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants kind of life can count on the consistency of their inconsistency. Some of us struggle with even small change. Yeesh, you should have heard the muttering when my son's Elementary school got a new Principal. Others of us only pause when the change is huge, even when - or maybe especially when - the change is our own choice.
Because of the way I had lived my professional life for many many years, I pretty much isolated myself from forming many friendships. I worked a million hours a week, and I worked by a policy that we didn't befriend our clients. So, my friends were my co-workers. One of whom was my husband. There were a whopping 4 others. Makes for a pretty small circle, right? So, when I switched gears and, at the age of 34, became a Stay at Home Mom, I pretty much left my friends behind.
Most people also believe it's a cakewalk for me to make friends. And that is certainly the case, sometimes. I make acquaintances very easily. But good friends? The kind you can tell all of your stuff to? The kind you can call or text at 1am for whatever crazy reason, and they're ok with that? I gotta tell you... That wasn't the easiest task at 34. Everyone already has those friends. They're not interviewing for another. Don't get me wrong, I still had them... they were just 1,500 miles away. So, it took me a while, but I made them again. I have friends that rise to that level here. Several, actually. And one, in particular, which pretty much falls in line with the norm, I'd guess.
So why would I want to go and choose major change into my life... again?
I think my husband wonders that, too, God bless him. But, it seems that, every so often in my life, I want that level of change. I need that level of change. So, here I go again... A big change. A new place, new people... This time, I'll be in a "strange" town, and I won't be 34... I'll be 40. 6 more years my peers have had to establish and solidify existing friendships. That much older to be "interviewing" for new friends. All while hoping I don't loose the old ones. Which will happen with some - is already starting - because, like I said... people don't like change.
I hope Southern hospitality is all it's cracked up to be. It would be nice to be welcomed with open arms and hearts. It's getting rare these days. And I fear this change. Yup, even at (almost) 40, I'm afraid of not making friends. I guess that "silly childhood fear" never goes away, does it? But I suppose this level of change is like a roller coaster for me... I know I have nothing to be afraid of, but it's still there.
It's said that bravery is not action in the absence of fear... but in spite of it. So, I suppose moving 300 miles to a place where I know one person from the home I've known for over a decade makes me brave. Here's hoping I can act it, too.
