Peace

You know, as I get older, peace seems to be harder to come by. And I mean both the inner AND the outer kind! In some ways, it would be so much easier to go back to times when I didn't have any responsibility to speak of. Of course, back then I thought there was no peace, either.

What is peace, really? Well... I think it's different for everyone. People find peace in all sort of places. I find outer peace at home... when Connor is in school, of course. When he's home - the only outer peace I get is when he's asleep. And, for some reason, I desperately want another kid! I also find outer peace out in nature. But as I prefer to share things like that with my loved ones, I don't get that very much, anymore. Tim is allergic to the outside world, and bugs absolutely adore his blood. I can't say I blame them... he is very sweet! :::insert your gagging noises, here:::

Inner peace is a harder animal to find. And the road to it is constantly forking and winding. Right now, for me, inner peace means financial stability first. And we're finally getting to that. But you always seem to have to make sacrifices to find inner peace, and for us, getting financial stability was no exception. So, what sacrifices will have to be made for me to get to the next on my list of peaceful inner things? Good Lord, I haven't a clue. See... the next part of finding my own personal peace to to fix me. lol The outer me. Fix the outer me to find inner peace.

My entire life, I have struggled with my weight. Not to the extent that some have, certainly, but I'm not sure my inner stress is any different. Although I consider myself fat at the moment, I am by no stretch morbidly obese. And there are some who would feel they even have to argue the "fat" part. But, trust me... I'm fat. I feel kinda gross. I used to weigh 128 pounds and wear a size 5. I am now around 200 pounds (pretty sure... I tend to avoid the scale whenever possible) and wear a size 14 (ok... maybe 16). I used to be able to kick straight up. Now, I'm working to kick head level. And not because my flexibility is less - because the dang fat rolls are in the way. So, why haven't I fixed it? Well... I go back to the whole inner peace thing.

If you go look in the dictionary, I'm sure there will be a picture of me (possibly a family portrait, actually) under "emotional eater". I feed my stress. Yum! Nothing tastes better than crap when you're stressed out! My husband, on the other hand, starves his stress. Were but I to have that problem! So, over the last couple of years, as we've been majorly stressed about money, I've gained a stoopid amount of weight, and he's lost it. Tim, who was already slender, got down to an emaciated-looking 125 pounds. For a man that's 5'8", it's not nearly as healthy looking a weight as a 5'4" woman. In the last couple of months, as our financial outlook in drastically improving, Tim has gained 13 pounds, joined a gym, and has enlisted the help of an amazing personal trainer. And he's excited about it! He gets up to go to the gym at 5:30 in the morning. And he's NOT a morning guy. Because his newfound inner peace about money is motivating him to find inner peace about his outer self. So... what's my problem? Why don't I want to go to the gym, too? Why don't I want to work out with this trainer? (By the way, the trainer was mine, first... a friend introduced me, and I worked out with him for a year. He helped me feel good and loose some weight. Mostly in the posterior region...) Where's my motivation? I have no idea. If you find it, please return it.

So, I'm trying a tack I've never really tried before. I've always been an athlete. Right now, I'm a mush. I used to dress presentably. I now wear mostly sweats. So, I'm changing some small things about myself to help me get the motivation I need to change the big things. As a "fat girl", I just don't feel attractive. So, what can I do to fix that? I've been wearing make-up everyday. That's seriously new. I bought a few pair of very pretty, simple, inexpensive earrings to wear. Also new. I got my hair done in a way that's easy and - imho - very flattering and pretty. Highlights and all. Bought a couple of pair of new, nice jeans that fit. And the really new thing? I got ma nails done. I feel like such a girl... and I think it's working. I'm starting to feel like a pretty girl, and pretty girls don't eat crap. They don't binge on cookies (I have a box of those fabulous Costco cookies in my pantry that normally would have been gone in a few days - it's been there for about 2 weeks, and it's half full. I think I only had 2), eat at the fast food places because they are there (ok, I did that today, but I'm a work in progress!) and they actually cook a decent dinner. Every day. And I've actually been doing that! I'm not sure it's habit, yet, but I'm even starting to get fired up about cooking. And... I'm not a chef, believe me. Pasta and perogies, that's me. But I find myself, because I'm changing seemingly frivolous things, getting to the hard stuff.

I'm changing the outside, first. I've always tried to do it the other way. But I now realize that if you look like crap, you're not inclined to do anything but feel like crap. As I look better on the outside, I really am starting to feel better on the inside, and get closer to the inner peace I want. And I think I deserve. So, we'll see how it goes!

And, I'll tell you a secret... I actually LOVE the silly nails!